Tortilla Flats February 2001

Tortilla Flats Campout - February 2001

"The Day Leroy Conquered the Mountain"
By John Gaylord

The first contingent arrived Friday evening. They were a hard lot, used to the outdoors and the rigors forced upon the hardy mountain men of the Superstitions. They quickly, quietly, and efficiently set up camp and settled down to obtain the rest they knew they would need for the coming day's exploration of the surrounding hills.

Reinforcements arrived the next morning in the form of the Webelos Patrol out of the St. Mary's Wilderness Brigade. The St. Mary's crew were young, restless, and a bit on the wild side, but good men simply needing some of the tempering that a few days in the wild would provide - and the training they would receive from General McGinn, GPS-Master Mikac, and Lt. Steely-Eyed "Scottie" Glass.

Immediately after an early breakfast of hardtack and pop-tarts, Privates Larry, Moe, and Curly (Leroy Sr., Randy Babchuk, and one more unnamed knucklehead) went on a scavenging hunt for coffee and donuts. They were threatened with arrest and banished forever from the only eating establishment in the county when Slick-Fingers Babchuk was discovered helping himself to samples of the establishment's wallpaper. General McGinn sent these three on a hike with the Webelos Patrol from St. Mary's Wilderness Brigade until the Sheriff gave up looking for them.

All but a small rear party left on the treacherous three-mile trek up the mountain. Left behind to cook the roadkill and purple sage into an edible stew were General McGinn, GPS-Master Mikac, and the other lame, sick and lazy camp followers looking for whatever scraps they could find. They hike was uneventful as Lt. Steely-Eyed "Scottie" Glass led a no-nonsense forced march that ensured everyone would return, no one would break a sweat, and it would almost be time for chow when the hike was over.

Upon return, however, a few good men needed more of a challenge before they would feel comfortable with their day's work. Looking about for this challenge, they saw the towering peak overlooking their campground, the lake, and the eating establishment earlier referred to. The problem was they needed someone to take the lead and find the way to the top. As often happens in stories such as this one, where human courage and strength often come from unexpected sources, a leader stepped forward. Without so much as a howdy, Maniac Leroy (a name acquired from his daredevil prowess in snow-sledding adventures of earlier in the season) started off for the top. Of course he could not be allowed to go unaccompanied and shortly thereafter he was joined by Larry, Moe, and Curly, as well as a few others.

With the help of some ropes, rock climbing equipment left behind by others who had gone before, and the promise that a McDonald's was at the top, this adventuresome group braved the perils of the climb and reaped the reward of a fantastic view...but no McDonald's fries.

Later that night when all were gathered around the campfire swapping their war stories and other tales of fiction, Larry, Moe and Curly raised their hands in salute to Maniac Leroy, Jr. and thanked him for his role in providing them with bragging rights for the climb to the top earlier in the day.

Hereafter it is guaranteed that anyone who has the misfortune of going to the Tortilla Flats area with either Larry, Moe, or Curly will have to suffer through a retelling of the story of how the mountain was conquered.